Born in Ohio, to drug-addicted, and insane parents, Crystal Charee is shockingly functional. When she was three, Crystal moved her mother and her brothers to California, and raised them in a small, meth-centric town in the San Fernando Valley.

She’s not great at taking care of people, so the younger brother was hit by a car almost immediately and the older mother got cancer a few years ago. Both are dead, but Crystal is assured by well-meaning morons that the spirits of her lost loved ones are alive and with her. Crystal is NOT considering  adopting a puppy.

Some say that Crystal’s way of expressing herself is inappropriate. She was once assured by a close friend that, “Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.” Crystal was glad that her hero, David Spade, was not around to hear that.

After graduating from high school, Crystal took a short (10-year long) break from society and became an agoraphobe. It’s good that she was always home, however, otherwise, she never would have gained the strength that a woman can only get from a decade’s worth of Oprah.

10 years later, Crystal got tired of waiting to be okay and went out and got a job. It was just as bad as she’d expected, but she persevered, went back to school, and after 5 years, graduated from Glendale Community College with an AA in English (and with a 4.0 GPA, she likes to point out).

Crystal lives in the San Fernando Valley, with her closest-living (for now) relative. She works as a booker at a comedy club, and performs once a month on the Friend Zone show — a show that features veteran performers mixed with innocent lambs who still think that comedy is fun. After the show, she drinks the blood of the newbies, and that is where she gains her strength and her sparkling personality.